Bullying Resources

What is Bullying?

According to the American Psychological Association, bullying is defined as “a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.”

Bullying has a negative impact on all involved, including those who are bullied, those who bully others, and those who witness bullying, known as bystanders. Recent findings from the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey (2019) show that:

Warning signs of Bullying

Here are some warning signs that indicate a child or teen is being bullied:

• Unexplainable injuries

• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry

• Frequent headaches or stomach aches, feeling sick or faking illness

• Changes in eating habits, like suddenly skipping meals or binge eating; kids may come home from school hungry because they did not eat lunch

• Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares

• Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school

• Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations

• Feelings of helplessness or decreased self esteem

• Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide

What if my child is the bully?

If your child comes home complaining about being bullied, you may be surprised to hear from school administrators that your child is actually the one who is bullying others. It can be hard to examine your child’s behaviors and identify the underlying reasons for bullying others. But doing so can help you address potential mental health needs, nurture their self-esteem, and teach them ways to build empathy and friendship with others.

Why might my child be bullying others?

Often, we are quick to label a child as “bad” when we find out they are bullying other children, but it’s important to proceed with caution and work on figuring out the underlying causes. According to Child Mind Institute, there are various reasons why a child may be prone to bullying others, including:

• They want to fit in with others.

• They are being bullied or treated aggressively at home, and they are trying to regain a sense of control outside the home, such as at school.

• They are seeking attention from adults and don’t know other ways to get it.

• They may not realize that their behavior is hurtful to others. This can be especially true for younger kids or adolescents who may think of their behavior as teasing rather than hurtful behavior.

• They may perceive the actions of others as threatening or harmful, and they may be acting out to defend themselves.

What can I do?

As a parent, you may think punishing your child for negative behaviors is the most obvious solution. Of course, it’s important to set boundaries and discipline children. However, you also want to help your child build healthy and respectful relationships with others. Here are some ways to do this.

Building Resilience

What is resilience?

Resilience is fostered through exposure to challenges and figuring out how to deal with them. When a child experiences bullying and finds a way to overcome it, their resilience is strengthened. Resilience is not the absence of distress or difficulty in a person’s life, but the ability to bounce back after a failure, disappointment, or adverse circumstance. Resilience is the asset that helps a person get through tough things like bullying or loss and come out stronger.

How to talk to kids about resilience

When talking to children and teens about resilience, focus on tangible ways they can build their resilience every day. As parents, you can teach them how to develop resilience in four areas: physical, mental, emotional, and social.

How can resilience help a child or teen bounce back from bullying?

When a child is being bullied, it can lower their self-esteem, reduce their confidence, and make them feel “stuck.” We need resilience to be able to move through adversity and come out on the other side even stronger.

When a basketball loses air and won’t bounce, do you throw the ball away? No – you pump it up with air and get back to playing! When a young person is feeling deflated, resilience and grit is what keeps them motivated and growing.

Using Therapy to Support Your Child or Teen

Bullying can take a toll on mental health and have long-lasting effects. Parents can help children process their experiences and learn positive ways to cope. In addition, therapy can help a child regain self-esteem, process difficult emotions, and learn ways to build positive friendships.

How to know when your child needs help from a mental health professional

If your child or teen is being bullied, they may be feeling angry, sad, lonely, or embarrassed, among other emotions. Bullying affects each child differently. It’s important to ask what they are feeling and help them process what they’re experiencing. It can be helpful to have them process their feelings with a licensed mental health professional.

There is never a “wrong” time to seek help from a therapist – young people can benefit from therapy no matter what they are experiencing. Early intervention is best. It is better for your child to see a therapist when you first notice they are becoming overwhelmed, rather than waiting until they are in crisis.

Here are some signs that your child may need to see a therapist:

• Having trouble concentrating

• Angry outbursts

• Loss of interest in things

• Changes in appetite or sleeping patterns

• Irritability

• Withdrawal or isolation

• Feeling hopeless or helpless

• Thoughts of suicide

What types of therapies can help?

These are a few commonly used types of therapy that can be helpful for children and teens who have experienced bullying.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help ease anxiety, fear, stress, and other emotions associated with being bullied. CBT helps young people learn how to understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and how to use coping skills and techniques that lead to more positive thinking.

Play therapy is a form of counseling or psychotherapy where play is used as a means of helping children express or communicate their feelings. Play therapy is a great option for young children who may not be developmentally mature enough to benefit from traditional talk therapy techniques.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be used to help children cope with the trauma they experience from bullying. EMDR consists of the therapist guiding the client in concentrating on a troubling memory or emotion while following the therapist’s fingers with their eyes rapidly back and forth. This rapid eye movement, which occurs naturally during dreaming, seems to speed the client’s movement through the healing process.

Navigating Social Media

Social media apps parents should know about

You’ve seen your kids spending hours on their phones, Instagram, and Snapchat. Here are a couple of articles with information about mobile apps and keeping your children safe online.

18 Social Media Apps and Sites Kids Are Using Right Now

A Complete Guide to Potentially Dangerous Apps All Parents Should Be Aware Of

Articles and tools

Here are some resources to help parents address bullying and support their child or teen.

Tips for Youth

Bullying. No one deserves it, and yet it continues to happen in many different situations. Bullying can be done by people we don’t know very well, by people we consider friends, or even by authority figures. It can happen at school, work, church, in sports, and other environments. If you or someone you know is being bullied, remember that it is not your fault. When bullying occurs, it is important to seek help, stand up for what’s right, and get support.

What to do if you are bullied

If you are being bullied, it is important to reach out for support. And remember, you do not have to face the situation alone.

Talk to trusted adults. Reach out to adults in your life who are ready and willing to help. It may be a teacher, a counselor, a parent, a coach, a faith leader, or all the above! Pick an adult you trust and tell them what is going on. They may not know you are being bullied unless you tell them. If you are nervous about talking to them, consider taking a friend with you for support.

Get support from your friends. Seek out friends, old and new, who are supportive and loyal. Stay close to them and let them know what you are going through. They can provide support and stand up to the bully with you.

Do not hide the fact that you’re being bullied. Have the courage to report. Many bullies rely on fear and silence as their secret weapon. You may feel like it’s tough to talk about, but it is very important to make sure others know what is happening so they can help put a stop to it. You should not have to suffer in silence or face it alone.

Positive Coping Skills

It can take some time to resolve bullying situations, so it’s important to take care of yourself and manage your stress through positive coping skills. Here are a few ways to do this:

Vent. Find healthy ways to express yourself and get your feelings out.  Talk to a trusted friend or family member, journal, or engage in a creative activity like playing an instrument, drawing, painting, singing, or dancing. Venting is one of the best ways to relieve stress.

Relax. When we experience physical or emotional pain, our stress responses kick into high gear. You may have an increased heart rate, heavy breathing, nausea, butterflies in your stomach, or general feelings of anxiety and fear. The good news is that relaxation techniques can help bring you back to center and relieve some of these stress symptoms. Try using meditation apps, lying still with your eyes closed and listening to your favorite music, going on a nature walk, coloring, doing breathing exercises, practicing mindfulness techniques, or just getting some “me time.” These can be helpful in getting back to a calm state.

Exercise. Movement is one of the body’s natural ways of “burning off” the stress chemicals in your system. Whether it is through sports, yoga, dancing around your room, or taking a walk around the block, exercise releases chemicals in the brain that help you feel more relaxed.

Focus. Sometimes you just need to take a break and do something you enjoy—such as photography, building projects, cooking, mechanics, or something you’re curious about. When you are focused and engaged in something, you’re able to take a mental break from stress.

What to do when you see bullying

Sometimes we don’t know how to support a friend or classmate who is being bullied or how to make bullying stop when we see it. There are specific things you can do. Instead of being a bystander and just letting bad things happen, you can become an “upstander.” An upstander is a person who takes positive action against hurtful behavior. It takes courage to be an upstander, but by doing this you can truly make a difference.

Let them know you care. If you see someone being bullied, find ways to be supportive. They are probably feeling lonely, embarrassed, or afraid. Knowing they have support from their peers will help. Post supportive comments online. Message them to see if they need to talk. Check on them in-person. The important thing is to let them know you notice the bullying, you do not approve of it, and you are there to help.

Shift the focus away from the bullying situation. Here are couple of ways to do this:

• Get the person away from the bully. Ask them for help on something, such as an upcoming assignment, and ask them to come sit with you to discuss it, away from the bully.

• If you know the bully, try to divert their attention from the person they are bullying. Ask  them to help you with something, change the subject to something neutral like sports or movies, or pull up a funny meme on your phone.

Call the bully out. If you feel safe doing so, let the bully know that their behavior is not okay. Be direct, calm, and confident. It helps to have some backup, so if possible, chat with a close friend beforehand to get their support as well.

Leave the situation, then take action. If you don’t feel safe stepping in, walk away and then think about how you can help. Bullying usually lasts longer when there’s an audience, either in person or online. If you laugh, share or “like” bullying posts, you’re encouraging the actions of the bully, and that makes the situation much worse. Instead, remove yourself from the situation. Ask an adult for help. Later, check in with the person being bullied to offer support and encouragement.

Offer to go with the person to talk to a trusted adult. Sometimes a person being bullied is reluctant to tell an adult or reach out for support. Give them some additional courage by offering to go with them, and let them know you will back them up.

Report the situation and ask for help. Tell a trusted adult what you have witnessed and get their support with stopping the bullying. Bullying can cause serious distress for the person being bullied, so it’s important to let someone know when you see it happening.

How to create a culture of kindness in your friend groups and in your school

You can be a source of positive change in your community.  Here are some ways to do that.

Start with yourself.  Even if you think of yourself as a good person, it’s still important to think about the ways you may be supporting a culture of bullying and cruelty. Ask yourself:

• Do you generally accept cruel behavior as normal, both in the media and in your day-to-day life?

• Do you tolerate cruel behavior when you see it happen?

• Do you think you are part of the problem or part of the solution?

Develop positive relationships. When you hang out with your friends, do you generally feel good about yourself? Do they feel better after spending time with you? Are you there for each other even during tough times? Are you able to be yourself when you’re with them?  Focus on developing healthy relationships with peers, built on qualities such as positivity, consistency, and authenticity.

Practice healthy conflict resolution. Sometimes we engage in hurtful behaviors because we don’t know healthy ways to deal with conflict. Instead of talking directly to a person about how we feel, we turn to gossip or to aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior to release some of the stress that comes with conflict.

When you have a conflict with someone, you should talk to that person directly about what you experienced. Remain calm and tell your story. Use “I” statements, such as “I felt hurt when you didn’t invite me to the party,” or “I was scared when you left me by myself at the soccer field.” This keeps the other person from becoming overly defensive and feeling like you are putting all the blame on them. “I” statements allow you to share your feelings and perspectives, while leaving room for others to share their feelings and perspectives. After you tell your story, allow the other person to share their perspective on the situation. Listen respectfully, then try to come to a resolution.

Lift up your communities. Look for ways to create positive change within your school, classroom, club, or city. Start small, then work your way up. If you don’t know exactly what area to focus on, you can use a technique called SEE. CARE. DO.

• First, identify what you SEE around you that you feel needs improvement.

• CARE about the cause and be motivated to take action.

• Identify what you can DO to help change or improve the situation. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but small steps over time can make a real difference.

Helpful Books and Websites 

Books about Building Empathy, Respecting Others, and Fitting In

Books about Building Awareness and Self-Control

Books About Practicing Conflict Resolution

Websites

Bullying in the Workplace

Bullying is not confined to schools and students. Adults can experience bullying as well in many settings, including the workplace.

The Workplace Bullying Institute defines bullying as “repeated mistreatment of an employee by one or more employees; abusive conduct that is: threatening, humiliating, or intimidating; work sabotage; or verbal abuse."

A work bully may be a colleague that:

• Takes credit for your work

• Yells, insults, or puts you down in front of others

• Gossips or lies about you to coworkers

• Tries to undermine or sabotage your work

Bullying at work can take a toll on one’s productivity and mental health. Forty percent of people targeted by bullying experience stress-related health problems, including debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, and clinical depression. If you constantly find yourself avoiding meetings or working on projects because you’re afraid to interact with your hostile coworker, you may be a target of bullying behavior.

Tips for Dealing with Bullying Behavior

According to the online career platform The Muse, there are seven ways to deal with a workplace bully:

1. Speak up early on. The minute someone begins mistreating you at work, say something, call them out, and set clear boundaries for how you expect to be treated in the workplace.

2. Document the abuse and your performance. Keep a journal of the who, what, when, where, and why of things that happen. Keep any emails or documentation that support your experiences. Also keep any positive performance reviews or emails in case you need to prove your work.

3. Take care of yourself outside of work. Make sure you are participating in things that bring you joy to combat the stress and trauma workplace bullying can create. If needed, seek out a mental health professional to help you through this.

4. Do your research. Does your company have policies about bullying? Is there a reporting system in place? You might also want to seek outside legal counsel.

5. Talk to your manager—or to someone else if your manager is the bully.

6. Talk to HR or someone in power. This might be beneficial to do before taking any further action. Find the right person to speak with and present your case.

7. Look for a new job. At the end of the day, it is unknown how your workplace will handle the situation, and your well-being is a priority. If you cannot resolve the situation, try to remove yourself from the situation.